Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Easy enough.
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot