him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.