him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
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You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn
my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
My fitness goal is to lose two straight jacket sizes.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend