Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”

Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

3yo: dad.

Me: why aren’t you sleeping?

3yo: I am sleeping.

Me: then why are we talking?

3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.

Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.

I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave

A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

[First Date]

Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.

Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.

grandpa was shocked

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.

[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?

Judas: