Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
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Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air