Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving

How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?

moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for

If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!

I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.

In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real

Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!

Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”

Doing your job.

“And me?”

Jobless and upset about the divorce

“OMG” *runs out crying*

Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.

(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.

A recipe for laughter

I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks