Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
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WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.*3 years later*
Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener