Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
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Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Nobody hides better than a good job these days. Can’t find a single one
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately