Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

[during sex]

her: do you want to try a new position?

me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles

her: what

me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors

her: stop

Romeo: I lost my cow

Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.

boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem

me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally

[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911

[Waking up in Heaven]

This is all super nice, but how did I die?

Angel: You died doing what you loved.

Me: intimidating men?

Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you

Me: classic

you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator

When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.

*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins

My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’

Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.

Who called them Underpants ?

And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?

The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.

*takes 87 selfies*

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute

Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.

This is my pinned tweet

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.