Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park

This is a terrible time for kidnappers.

is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants

I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan

Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.

One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.

Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”

The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

*at divorce court

Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.

Judge: I’m sorry – What??

Her: I win, right?

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

The most common things I say to my kids, by store:

Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”

Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”

Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”

You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.

They just take your money and run.

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.

Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it

The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.

When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right