Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
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M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?