Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
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Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
[Robbery]
– Give me everything you have!
– I’ve only got this defective set of scales.
– Just hand it over!
– You’ll never get a weigh with this.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
canadian assassins are called killergrams
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
sleeping beauty
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
It’s so hot outside that when I opened my front door I thought I was checking on my cornbread
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.