Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
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*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I think I’m gonna be sick
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today