Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

[sees friend at the store]

“Hi”

Hey

“Where’s your better half?”

The PS4’s at home

“No I mean-”

Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.

“Why do Americans write the month before day?”
“That’s how you say it, month first”
“What’s the date today?”
“It’s the fourth of July”

One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

“What’s that?”

“It’s a therapy cat.”

“It looks like a chihuahua.”

“That’s why the therapy.”

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits

Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens

Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*

[5 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”

Me: *unsubscribes*

[9 months later]

Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too

Science memes

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all

Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”

Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.

Hamster: Poor baby.

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.

Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu