Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
sign of the times 🖊
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.