Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
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“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
sir, my pâté if you please
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.