Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.

I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.

My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.

Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.

*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*

Me: Yes, “nice.”

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill

“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.

Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window

Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said

Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?