Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then

Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.

Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?

Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.

i was dropped as an adult

Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”

The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud

So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times