Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
i- i did not expect this
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
i hate it when someone gives me a valid solution to my problem and i have to find something new to complain about
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny