Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
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Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us