Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.

I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used

Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.

*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

Me [watching war movie]: I like this character. I hope he lives.

Character: *makes emotional speech about what he’ll do when he gets home from the war*

Me: Dammit.

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Make it worse by saying they look tired.

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.

Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.

Fly is dead.

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.

We need it on priority

Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.