Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
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Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.