Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

Justify your alcoholism by having children.

Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.

He seems to be following some sort of pattern.

Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It

You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button

–cats

co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave

me: oh sorry does my lobster smell

co-worker: no he’s pinching people

When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.

12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:

I only eat vegetarians.

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

*tries to mount a horse*

Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”

HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish

ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done

sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.

Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?

Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT

I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves

Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*

Everyone is fighting a battle you don’t know about. Except for me.
I am complaining loudly about my battle. Everybody knows about it.

Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!

Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!

Parents: lol no we meant a real job.

Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.