Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
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[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
getting groceries
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend