Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting groceries

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

I’m putting on weight for a movie

*eats popcorn in cinema

What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*

“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…

But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.

Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.

Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost

Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”

[5 minutes later]

“twice”

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.

When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.

[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]

“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”

bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT

Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits

I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum