Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.

No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.

Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.

Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.

[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?

Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?

Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer

Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick

The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:

“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

me: are you a cop you talk the talk.

ex-cop: not anymore

me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.

ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.

[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?

normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes

Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.

I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.