Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.

When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

I was at the cemetery when a little kid walked up to me and said she was afraid. I took her hand and told her that I used to be afraid too…when I was alive.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.

Nobody:

Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD

[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.

her: sugar?

me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?

her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?

Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.