him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
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Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Check your privilege
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
SPLOOT
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression