Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
