Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Yes my dude
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Cake hits so much harder off a plastic fork.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying