Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
“Ooh go on then, I’ll just have one!”
*eats many, many, many, many biscuits*
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
eating my hot dog hamburger style
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree