Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

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There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.


My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.


A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.


Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him


If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.


guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed


Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.


Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.


There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button