Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
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Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
wow he looks just like him
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”