@Buffalojilll

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

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@mrdaveturner

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

@FatherWithTwins

My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.

@jakefromstfarm3

A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.

@_davidsc

Rememeber when Uruguay fans got angry at Paul Dummett for injuring Suarez & then used Google Translate to insult him

@heatherjs

If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.

@ihateitmunky

guy who’s about to repair my iPhone screen: may i have your passcode for testing?

Me: ..ya know what i don’t even want it fixed

@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

@LackOfShame

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

@weinerdog4life

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button