Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger

Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.

You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

What fresh Hell is this?!?

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.

Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

*picks up frog*

*kisses it*

Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?

Me: oh thank god.

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”