@Shock_Monster

Him: Come check out my church!
Me:
Him: They play rock music!
Me:
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
Him: Yes…
Me: *click*

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@iAmGolfy

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

@zebrasyndicate

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

@Contwixt

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

@_SingleBabyMama

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

@Divergentmama

Does this mask make my face look funny?

*husband slowly backs out of the room

@blaudiablogan

It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.

@DiamondLou69

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

@UnFitz

Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.

Me: OK, what’s the answer?

Him:

Me: *sips flask*

@TheRealDudish

People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.