Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Him: Come check out my church!
Him: They play rock music!
Him: It’s cool!
Me: Does it have church in it?
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Does this mask make my face look funny?
*husband slowly backs out of the room
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
This library knows how to motivate children.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Me: *sips flask*
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.