14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
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Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.