Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Worth a try
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
Natural selection at its finest
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
