Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
My dream job is getting paid to dream
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
