Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.![]()
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Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
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My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
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Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.