Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: I was going too fast?

Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze

Me: [eats ice cream slower]

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg

stormtrooper: *sighs*

Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?

My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.

I’ve been saying this for years: Every major airport in America is leaving money on the table by not having a nail salon

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.

Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.

*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*

Him: Ouch!

who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often

My daughter asked why I drink so much beer

I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol

cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie

I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong

Waitress: Breakfast is over

Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.

Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.

Me: Okay, eggs then.

Waitress: Bacon or sausage?

Me: …Bacon.

Waitress: Do you want toast?

Me: ….

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.

Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”

Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds