Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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Penguins walking in 5x speed
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
woke up in the middle of the night with an incredible idea, notes app this morning says “sparkling cream cheese”
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
smh
