Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
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As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?