Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.

ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all

The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.

i’m really proud of how brave i was at a haunted house last week. it makes me think maybe i should pursue my fantasy of being a war photographer

My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs

🍛

I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.

My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?

I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed

Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.

Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.

And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.