Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions

Therapist: I think you’re regressing

Me: *screams* am i?

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.

SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?

ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

I shut down my rodent removal business. No more Mr. Mice Guy.

So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.

According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth

Called in, “Car’s in the shop, so I’m taking the treadmill this morning. It’s taking forever.”

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?

Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?

Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.

Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her

wtf

Ffs 🤦‍♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving

my kids: are ALL the presents for you

me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

same bro