Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow

Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy

Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?

Me: Misread the brochure I have.

The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.

Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette

Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no

I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

me

CANADA WATCHING US NEWS

Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife

Me: It’s murder monday

Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds

You are not alone 💚

Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?

me: I’ll just call the pizza guy

her: ok

[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagna

me: love it

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.

I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.

You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

noah: two of every single species on earth

god: yes

noah: and a boat to fit them all

god: yes

noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time

god: yes

noah: and all my friends are going to die

god: yes

noah: but like the world will be good after that right

god: i mean