Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her

When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

My favorite type of men is ramen.

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.

I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.

Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

I did not eat the cake…

I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike

[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you

I’m excuse, what’s your drunk

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

Him: I won’t bore you with the details.

Me: Too late for that.

me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date

[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love

[the next day]

coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*

me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*

~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

RELATIONSHIP STATUS:

*first date*

Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!

Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!

My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.

A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.