Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

Relationships are easy as pie!

*burns pie*

Call all your previous ones relationsinks.

Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*

My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

[book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.

Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut

ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes

I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.

Me recordaron éste meme

[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]

I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”

[on honeymoon in Paris]

Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower

Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.