Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.

Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.

-You’re welcome

Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times

Always look both ways before crossing a woman.

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

True statement👍😏😁

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.

[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.

Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this

Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*

The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.

It was super cute.

Then the pig threw up all over her.

Considerably less cute.

sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve

I’m going to normalize a new trend.

Unsolicited *CROC* pics