Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills

Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it

just rewatched Texas Chainsaw Massacre and it has NOT AGED WELL. First off, murdering people with a chainsaw is literally illegal,

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.

Sure, it was awkward when my phone went off in church and started playing “Highway to Hell,” but I wouldn’t say it RUINED your mother’s funeral.

Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.

Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.

same vibe as tangled headphones

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….

Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?

Her: Wow!

Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.

Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?

Dude: no

Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….

*checks notes*

…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?

those birds must be on payroll

The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.

I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed

It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.

Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.

DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.

Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.

Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”

It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah

[screaming into the void]

MARCO

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.