Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

I think costco should be the next president of the united states

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.

BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.

[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog

“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….

What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”

How to be a Canadian:

1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick

The inventor of perforated paper has died.

RIP

Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.

Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant

I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?