Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Breaking news:
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I have so many questions.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
