Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
My purse is deeper than some people.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
my favorite kind of post right now is the reply that goes “i do not believe that a politician, of all people, would say one thing publicly and another thing privately”
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
