Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”