Him: didn’t the therapist say you should live “in the moment”?
Me: yeah but not THIS one
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Every retail employee should get to hit one customer a year and there is no way for customers to tell if they’ve used it yet
My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
Friends that check up on you >
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I’m ready to try another planet.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food