Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.

Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.

me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.

My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.

Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”

[asteroid hurling towards earth]

ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule

Imagine how scary sharks would be if they wore necklaces made out of our teeth.

A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.

Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready

Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*

Model: Who the hell are you

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT

My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.

Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation

Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book

Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree

Me: Waldo you rascal!