Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Stop sending me this shit.

We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”

My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.

My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree

I see a badly-tied bin liner.

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?

20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.

Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.

George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.

I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?

DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

11:34: Arrived at crime scene

11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle

11:34: Found murder weapon in drain

11:34: Realized watch was broken

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.