Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
Breaking news:
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
What in the hipster hell is going on here
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?