Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.