Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
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My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
Happy Febuary everyone!
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
🤣
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.
Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No