Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.

I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.

I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.

I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!

Knock Knock

Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.

Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.

*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

“Here mom, hold this.”

Translation: I own you now.

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island

I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!

*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.

A bed and breakfast with an oxygen bar. Call it an Air B&B.

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s