Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!