Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
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what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids
me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
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Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
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date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.