Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.

Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance

Me:

One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master

Kid: Are you the babysitter?

Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!

Kid: *horrified*

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do

The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.

I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

I put my pants on like everyone else.

with hope they still fit.

[First target practice]

Son: I missed

Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.