Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
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My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
this is the most humiliating day of my life
We really need someone to step up while the boss is away
*stands up*
Someone without ice cream on their shirt
*looks down at shirt*
*sits down*
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Don’t frighten the programmers!
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know