Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
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Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Someone suggested I try online dating, but it’s like I’m already on twitter duh
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks