Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’

No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.

My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: could I buy a noun

BOSS: this is our mortician, david

ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite

DAVID:

ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?

DAVID:

ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ

Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever

General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

any last words?

Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”

The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.

Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.

I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.

my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.

nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end

*working in pediatric ER*

me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!

kid: what is that *points to badge*

me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha

kid: it looks the same today

me:

Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?

LOL

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Me: Do you have any dreams?

Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…

Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

[ going out ]

wife: you’re wearing that?

me: i guess not