Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

I’ve just had to let my trousers out.

They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.

All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.

As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”

dutch is not a serious language

rip to my favourite tweet

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

*First bite of pancakes

“This is the greatest food ever!”

*Last bite of pancakes

“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.

She’s really good at that.

*3:30 am

House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?

Smoke alarm: I had last week

Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.

HA: Water heater?

WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!

Me: *almost falls out of bed*

HA: HAHAHA! Good work!

Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?

My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…

Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

pal: what’s your favorite band

me: idk probably rubber

I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.

repaired

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.