HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
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The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
girls literally only want one thing..
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
Anarchy
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja