Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Helping in the kitchen this morning. So far I’ve used 467 paper towels

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

[blind date]

HER: I love classic rock.

ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:

1) escape the bathroom

2) open a beer

Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good

Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it

Me: oh is there? *winks*

*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.

I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

This will teach them to underestimate me

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?