Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.

Me: Gross.

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to

“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.

I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.

Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.

I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.

If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.

date: are you looking for love?

me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels

People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.

Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.

Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse

It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.

plot twist: satan sold his soul to me

People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs

My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”

[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea