Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!

Taliband

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok

He hands me the remote and goes to bed

And that’s how it’s done

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”

~History

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38

hmm conte-me mais

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.

ME: *slides envelope across the table

COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990

ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here