Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?

Me: I thought you’d never ask

Him: Oh, really? *winks*

Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord

I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Guys you need to work this out.

*water balloon fight at 10 paces*

Sharks: [losing teeth]

Tooth fairy: please stop

3yo: why do you have to die one day?

Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.

I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes

I’m going to call it Pungent

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?

Me: we need to pick 9 up from school

4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today

There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button

Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.

Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die

Cauliflower has a good publicist.

Talking to funeral home director:

Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”

MIL: “Let go of me!”

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.

Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.

My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.

[first day in the crime lab]

me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.