Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻‍♀️

I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”

I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.

I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.

Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon

My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.

It was me.

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*

Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.

Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…

Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.

being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

me: this meeting couldve been an email

me when I get an email: I’m not reading that

*moves all unread emails to trash

Omg I got so much done today.

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.

sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead

My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this