Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
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a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.