Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*limbos under the caution tape
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
If you’re wondering what a mom brain is I just looked for the milk in the microwave.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.