Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.