Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
You Might Also Like
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.
Can confirm.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl