Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
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Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.