Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
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“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
[exiting the voting booth with a little cup of urine] does anybody know who I give this too?
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.