Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”
omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
I think this should do it.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
What do you mean there’s only 3 hours of sunlight left, I haven’t had lunch yet???
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado