Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.

[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already

This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.

My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.

me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax

flock of early birds: guess again

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

What number SPF blocks people?

My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”

I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.

I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.

My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.

“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”

[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”

That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.

Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]

Call me old fashioned but I believe marriage should be between one person who wants to watch tv and another person who wants to watch something different on tv

Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.