Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.

Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped

When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING

Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.

I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.

Breaking up

(be mature, be mature, be mature)

Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND

Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.

Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:

• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It All

Please let me know if there are any more.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

☠️ ☠️

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip