Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
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OH. COME. ON.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Noted.
